I am working towards getting my bachelors in the field of psychology. I know there is a reason for this which is why I am expressing my thoughts. I had an anxiety attack last night; probably the worst one since three years ago. It was combined of old memories, hormones, a conversation I had with my sister, and many other aspects. I was trying to think logically but I simply could not come to grips with what was making my stomach do loops and turn inside out. I vometed my breakfast and shook back and forth. It is not a fun thing to do. Instead of dealing with this by myself I decided to call my mother, who was very supportive of me. I got many things off my chest that I hadn't told anyone except a select few best friends.
I am in the field of psychology, and logically could understand what was going on. I was having a nervous break down and having a severe anxiety attack. My medication was not working properly combined with the birth control I am on. It was a combination of everything that finally led to this emotional and mental break down of reality.
For years I have felt that I was the one who was responsible to take care and keep peace within the family. Ever since my parents got divorced, there has been this underlying friction between me and my entire family. I kept in touch with my dad because I wanted him to know he was loved regardless of what I was hearing from the family around Thanksgiving. I wanted peace. I wanted solitude. I wanted to know that I could say things to my family that if they weren't around, I would have never had the opportunity to say how I felt. I needed that conversation with my mother. I needed to tell her things that I have been keeping bottled up for years and years. I apologize if this broke the confidentiality of my sister, but I didn't want to carry this by myself. It is heartbreaking to know that your family member has been hurt and you can't do anything about it to stop it, or make it go away. I am a fixer. I want to take the pain away from family members. I am sad when they are sad. I hurt when my friends and family hurt. It came to a point where I was just hurting too much and it had to come out in some way or form, and the anxiety attack was a result of buried memories, and my caring too much and not talking about it.
I have learned something about myself over the years; I have a deep caring and love for all my friends and family. I would bend over backwards to make them feel better. I would go to the ends of the earth to find them some peace. I would make them laugh, take them to dinner, buy them a trip to europe if I could afford it, just to get that one smile out of my friend and/or family member. I would do anything because that's how I love. It is also how I love in any romantic relationship I have. I love so much and so deeply, that when my heart is broken, it's broken for a while. I know I can be okay by myself. I love that connection with others though. I seek it and I adore it, and I cherish it. My friends stay my friends for life. Even though I don't talk to my friends, I still think about them every day. In other words, I would take a bullet for any of my friends or family. I care that much. I think I learned to care this much from my family. It was genetically in me from birth and I shall be proud to carry this around for the rest of my life. I want to make things better, but I need to be okay with the fact that I can't fix everything, no matter how I want to. Listening and communication with the person that needs my help may be enough.
Mom, Stephanie, Sarah, and Dad, I love you all so very much. I can't describe in words how much because it's not possible. Just feel it from my heart. That's all I have and it's all I am. I am going into psychology to help others. Hopefully I will make a drastic difference to other people, and with my family. I love you all and that is not said lightly. Even my friends, Ki Sun, Semaj, Nicole, Lindy, they all have my love. Every day. I didn't want to leave this world without writing a letter describing how much all of you mean to me. I will live a long life with the help of all of my family and friends. I will be healthy and live in peace. Peace. That's all I've ever wanted. Peace.
